Helping a grieving person tip 1: Listen with compassion

Almost everyone worries about what to say to people who are grieving. But knowing how to listen is much more important. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person. However, the bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, it’s not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won’t be forgotten. 

While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let the bereaved know they have permission to talk about the loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions – without being nosy – that invite the grieving person to openly express his or her feelings. Try simply asking, “Do you feel like talking?”

• Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn’t feel. The bereaved should feel free to express their feelings, without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.

• Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.

• Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens.

• Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Tell the bereaved that what they’re feeling is okay. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However, don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to “know” what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs.

Helping a grieving person tip 2: Offer practical assistance

It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden, or be too depressed to reach out. You can make it easier for them by making specific suggestions – such as, “I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?” or “I’ve made beef stew for dinner. When can I come by and bring you some?”

Consistency is very helpful, if you can manage it – being there for as long as it takes. This helps the grieving person look forward to your attentiveness without having to make the additional effort of asking again and again. You can also convey an open invitation by saying, “Let me know what I can do,” which may make a grieving person feel more comfortable about asking for help. But keep in mind that the bereaved may not have the energy or motivation to call you when they need something, so it’s better if you take the initiative to check in.

Be the one who takes the initiative

There are many practical ways you can help a grieving person. You can offer to:

• Shop for groceries or run errands
• Drop off a casserole or other type of food
• Help with funeral arrangements
• Stay in their home to take phone calls and receive guests
• Help with insurance forms or bills
• Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry
• Watch their children or pick them up from school
• Drive them wherever they need to go
• Look after their pets
• Go with them to a support group meeting
• Accompany them on a walk
• Take them to lunch or a movie
• Share an enjoyable activity (game, puzzle, art project)

Helping a grieving person tip 3: Provide ongoing support

Grieving continues long after the funeral is over and the cards and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person to person. But in general, grief lasts much longer than most people expect. Your bereaved friend or family member may need your support for months or even years.

• Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in touch with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Your support is more valuable than ever once the funeral is over, the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off.

• Don’t make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved person may look fine on the outside, while inside he or she is suffering. Avoid saying things like “You are so strong” or “You look so well.” This puts pressure on the person to keep up appearances and to hide his or her true feelings.

• The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. You don’t “get over” the death of a loved one. The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity over time. But the sadness may never completely go away.

• Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever he or she needs.

Helping a grieving person tip 4: Watch for warning signs

It’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, disconnected from others, or like they’re going crazy. But if the bereaved person’s symptoms don’t gradually start to fade – or they get worse with time – this may be a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem, such as clinical depression.

Encourage the grieving person to seek professional help if you observe any of the following warning signs after the initial grieving period – especially if it’s been over two months since the death.

It can be tricky to bring up your concerns to the bereaved person. You don’t want to perceived as invasive. Instead of telling the person what to do, try stating your own feelings: “I am troubled by the fact that you aren’t sleeping – perhaps you should look into getting help.”

It can be tough to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving. It’s common to feel helpless, awkward, or unsure. You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making the person feel even worse. Or maybe you feel there’s little you can do to make things better.

While you can’t take away the pain of the loss, you can provide much-needed comfort and support. There are many ways to help a grieving friend or family member, starting with letting the person know you care.

What you need to know about bereavement and grief

The death of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences. The bereaved struggle with many intense and frightening emotions, including depression, anger, and guilt. Often, they feel isolated and alone in their grief. Having someone to lean on can help them through the grieving process.

Don’t let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. Now, more than ever, your support is needed. You might not know exactly what to say or what to do, but that’s okay. You don’t need to have answers or give advice. The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there. Your support and caring presence will help them cope with the pain and begin to heal.

Understanding the bereavement process

The better your understanding of grief and how it is healed, the better equipped you’ll be to help a bereaved friend or family member:

• There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not alwaysunfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what they “should” be feeling or doing.
• Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. The bereaved need reassurance that what they’re feeling is normal. Don’t judge them or take their grief reactions personally.
• There is no set timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery after bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don’t pressure the bereaved to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow their healing.

How hospice and palliative care works

Hospice care focuses on all aspects of a patient’s life and well-being: physical, social, emotional, and spiritual. There is no age restriction; anyone in the late stages of life is eligible for hospice services. While specific hospice services around the world differ in the amenities they provide, most include a hospice interdisciplinary team, or IDT, that includes the patient’s physician, a hospice doctor, a case manager, registered nurses and licensed practical nurses, a counselor, a dietician, therapist, pharmacologist, social workers, a minister, and various trained volunteers.

The hospice team develops a care plan tailored to a patient’s individual need for pain management and symptom relief, and provides all the necessary palliative drugs and therapies, medical supplies, and equipment. Typically, hospice care is provided at home and a family member acts as the primary caregiver, supervised by professional medical staff. Hospice IDT members make regular visits to assess the patient and provide additional care and services, such as speech and physical therapy, therapeutic massage, or dietary assistance. Certified home health aides may also be deployed for help with bathing and other personal care services. Hospice staff remains on-call 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

A hospice IDT also provides emotional and spiritual support according to the needs, wishes, and beliefs of the patient. Emotional and spiritual support is also provided to the person’s loved ones as well, including grief counseling.

The benefits of hospice and palliative care

Hospice care providers offer specialized knowledge and support at the end of life just as obstetricians and midwives lend support and expertise at the start of life. Hospice can reduce anxiety in both the terminally ill patient and his or her family by helping them make the most of the time remaining and achieve some level of acceptance.

When terminally ill patients, who are often already in a weakened physical and mental state, make the decision to receive hospice and palliative care instead of continued curative treatment, they avoid the dangers of over-treatment. In-home care from a hospice IDT often means the patient receives greater monitoring than he or she would in a hospital. In addition to focusing on the physical health and comfort of a patient, hospice care also focuses on the emotional needs and spiritual well-being of the terminally ill and their loved ones.

Since a hospice program offers substantial support and training for family caregivers, it also helps many patients feel less of a burden to their loved ones.

Reprinted with permission for personal or non-profit use. Visit www.helpguide.org to see the article with links to related articles.  This material is for information and support; not a substitute for professional advice.

For many seriously ill patients, hospice and palliative care offers a more dignified and comfortable alternative to spending your final months in the impersonal environment of a hospital. Palliative medicine helps patients manage pain while hospice provides special care and social services to improve the quality of life for both the patient and their family.

Seeking hospice and palliative care isn’t about giving up hope or hastening death, but rather a way to get the most appropriate care in the last phase of life. Some patients benefit so much they are even able to extend their lives and leave the hospice program.

To decide if hospice and palliative care is right for you or a loved one, learn about your options for quality end-of-life care.

What is hospice and palliative care?

Although death is a natural part of life, the thought of dying understandably still frightens many people. You may imagine pain and loneliness, spending your final days in the cold, sterile environment of a hospital far from family, friends and all that you know and love. However, hospice care represents a compassionate approach to end-of-life care, enhancing the quality of remaining life and enabling you to live as fully and as comfortably as possible.

Hospice is traditionally an option for people whose life expectancy is six months or less, and involves palliative care (pain and symptom relief) rather than ongoing curative measures, enabling you to live your last days to the fullest, with purpose, dignity, grace, and support. While some hospitals, nursing homes, and other health care facilities provide hospice care onsite, in most cases hospice is provided in the patient’s own home. This enables you to spend your final days in a familiar, comfortable environment, surrounded by your loved ones who can focus more fully on you with the support of hospice staff.

Talking about hospice and palliative care

For many in Western society, death remains a taboo subject. Consequently, many patients and their families remain reluctant to even discuss the possibility of hospice care or palliative care. While most people would prefer to die in their own homes, the norm is still for terminally ill patients to die in hospital, receiving treatment that is either unwanted or ineffective. Their loved ones usually have only limited access and often miss sharing their last moments of life.

Some families who do choose hospice care often do so only for the last few days of life, and later regret not having more time saying goodbye to their loved one. To ensure that your family understands your wishes, it’s important for anyone with a life-limiting illness to learn all they can about hospice and palliative care and discuss their feelings with loved ones before a medical crisis strikes. When your loved ones are clear about your preferences for treatment, they’re free to devote their energy to care and compassion.

Last election day (November 3, 2009) Maine voters approved Question 5, which enacted the citizen-initiated bill, “An act to establish the Maine Medical Marijuana Act “ LD975, IB2, allowing for medical marijuana use by people with debilitating and chronic medical conditions.

Maine also changed its laws, so that nursing homes or in-patient hospices can act as registered medical marijuana caregivers, making them able to obtain medical marijuana from a dispensary, which measures and packages the dosages, making it easier for the nursing facility to inventory.

This is important, because eight other states voted on Nov. 2 on approval of medical marijuana. And if they don’t have the proper dispensary legislation in place, it could mean that residents of nursing homes and hospices will not have access to medical marijuana, which curbs nausea (often caused by chemotherapy and other treatments) and allows patients to regain appetite, eat and retain their food.

In Alaska, for instance, the state marijuana law says that facilities are not required to accommodate residents using cannabis in any facility monitored by the state’s Department of Administration, including assisted living facilities. Even in states where medical cannabis is legal, the federal government doesn’t consider it to have medicinal value. As a result, assisted living facilities not registered as medical marijuana caregivers that allow marijuana use could lose Medicare and Medicaid reimbursements.

While it’s hard to say exactly what use nursing home and hospice patients will make of medical marijuana, in Maine it’s their legal right to try anything that makes them feel better, knowing they won’t jeopardize funding for their facility.