Q: My mom is 82 years old, and was in great shape, traveling internationally and remaining very active. About a month ago, she returned from a big trip, got a flu-type illness within a day or two, and fell in the bathroom. She ended up in the hospital (where she fell again) and in a rehab center (where she suffered a third fall). I stayed with her in Ohio for several weeks during her rehab program, and for ten days or so when she got back to her home, which is a small single-floor unit in an apartment building. The issues in the hospital (which included delirium) have all resolved, and she has home care, but now that’s she’s feeling better, she’s back to being very independent and bossy. I’ve been home four days and she’s already fired one of the home care workers. Now what? I can’t keep returning to Ohio!
A: Well, your mum is feeling better, so that’s good news! Now that she’s stronger and her mental confusion (common with trauma) have resolved, she needs some outside intervention that she’ll listen to. Who can you coach to talk with her, and remind her that she is, indeed, in charge of herself? She needs to take the same precautions and risk assessment she’d take with a child or dear friend in the same condition. That means she needs to take advantage of home attendants who can do the cooking, cleaning and shopping for her or with her, until she is completely 100%. She needs to have someone around when she showers or bathes (perhaps not in the bathroom, but within hearing) and should be using someone else to wash her hair, for example. Remind her that she needs to heal, both from her brief illness and her longer stay in rehab, and that her unsteadiness could be a lasting effect of her aging process that she needs to account for.
Risk assessment and risk aversion are concepts that she certainly understands if she’s an international traveler. Ask her to apply that thinking to her own situation!
I’d suggest finding a close friend, someone from her church, or even one of the health professionals from her home care organization, who would be willing to remind her that she is the one who will suffer if she insists on remaining stubbornly independent, because she’s just not physically in a place right now where she can do it all on her own. This might have to be a frequent conversation.
As for you, make sure you’re talking to your mom daily, encouraging her to do her rehab exercises, eat right, and work with her home care provider. Listen to her complaints without judgement, since complaining is one of the last ways she can assert her independence, and remind her that she nees to grow physically stronger to match her indomitable spirit!